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A Tan in Funkytown

2004-10-28|11:39 p.m.

The Tanning Salon Incident...

About once every couple of weeks, I visit a tanning salon... It's not so much because of vanity as much as it's because it seems to helps keep my skin clear and helps keep the eczema in check.

So this place I have been going to for about the last year always seems to find ways to close early. Last week it was because it was raining outside. Really - that is the excuse they gave me as I walked in after work, "We're closing early tonight because of the rain."

What the fuck? Closing because of the rain? Other than the Wicked Witch from "The Wizard of Oz," who is afraid of the rain? When I heard that excuse, I decided I'd had enough... If they don't want my business, I will simply take it elsewhere.

I can only imagine how impressed both of the people who read this are with Mr. Take Charge Guy right now (By the way, that's me.)

So I found this other place pretty close to my apartment called "Jamaica Me Tan." I resisted the urge to come up with some wacky quip on the name (Jamaica Me Tan? Really? Because with shitty puns like that, Jamaica Me Sick.) and went in.

I signed up for some sort of "value plan" and took the suggestion of the woman behind the counter and went into a stand up booth. Something I had never done before.

Because it was a new machine for me, and because it was also a new place, I decided to go about five minutes less than I normally do. I'd rather not be tan at all than come out resembling a lobster.

As it turns out, I should have gone seven or eight minutes less. After taking a shower when I got home, I noticed I was pretty red. When I woke up in the middle of the night because it felt like I had rolled onto a bed of hot coals, I knew I was in trouble.

When I looked in the mirror in the morning, I was a brighter red than Rudolph's nose on Christmas Eve. As I looked at myself, I knew I would have to explain the tanning incident to people throughout the day. It had done nothing but rain here for several days, so I knew no one would think "Bill spent some time outside yesterday."

I had a feeling that no matter how hard I would try to stress the fact that I am not aspiring to be George Hamilton, no one would believe me... I could already hear the "fake and bake" taunts.

I also had a callback audition that evening. Since it was a romantic comedy, I was pretty sure that someone would be touching me on the shoulder our arm at some point that evening -- and it probably would not look very good if I jumped back and screamed when they did.

So that day I did hear several lobster and fake and bake stories... That night at the audition, I didn't scream when I was touched... It couldn't have hurt if I did though... I didn't get the part. Such is life I suppose -- you win some and you lose some. Instead of performing in this show, I am going to run lights or work backstage... I am sure it will still be fun.

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I've been in quite a funk over the course of the last couple of months... I'm sure everyone experiences an occasional 'poor me' mood, but for some reason rather than lasting an afternoon, mine has lasted a few months.

One thing I have noticed about myself is that when I am feeling good, I'm one of the happiest and most fun people you'll ever come across. When I am feeling down though, nothing can get me out of it until I find the way out. Quite frankly, it sucks. I can only imagine how other people in my life feel about it.

For those who may not be familiar with Billy Joel's song "I Go To Extremes" (off of the Storm Front CD), I think it sums things up pretty well...

Call me a joker, call me a fool
Right at this moment I'm totally cool
Clear as a crystal, sharp as a knife
I feel like I'm in the prime of my life
Sometimes it feels like I'm going too fast
I don't know how long this feeling will last
Maybe it's only tonight
Darling I don't know why I go to extremes
Too high or too low there ain't no in-betweens
And if I stand or I fall
It's all or nothing at all
Darling I don't know why I go to extremes
Sometimes I'm tired, sometimes I'm shot
Sometimes I don't know how much more I've got
Maybe I'm headed over the hill
Maybe I've set myself up for the kill
Tell me how much do you think you can take
Until the heart in you is starting to break?
Sometimes it feels like it will
Darling I don't know why I go to extremes
Too high or too low there ain't no in-betweens
You can be sure when I'm gone
I won't be out there too long
Darling I don't know why I go to extremes
Out of the darkness, into the light
Leaving the scene of the crime
Either I'm wrong or I'm perfectly right every time
Sometimes I lie awake, night after night
Coming apart at the seams
Eager to please, ready to fight
Why do I go to extremes?
And if I stand or I fall
It's all or nothing at all
Darling I don't know why I go to extremes
No I don't know why I go to extremes
Too high or too low
There ain't no in-betweens
You can be sure when I'm gone
I won't be out there too long
Darling I don't know why I go to extremes

I don't know why...I don't know why...
I don't know why...I don't know why...
Out in the dark...into the light...

So I think I'm finally coming out of Funkytown (I am so sorry for that.) For about the last week or so I've been in a much better spirits. I'm hoping that trend continues.

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If you've never seen the movie "Parenthood" with Steve Martin, I recommend checking it out... It's got a lot of very funny moments in it.

I can also relate a lot to the character Steve Martin plays in the film.

The reason that the movie comes to mind for me is because sometimes the strangest, smallest thing can make a difference in your outlook on life.

Late in the movie they are celebrating a moment such as that, and Steve Martin questions 'what if it didn't happen?' to which is wife responds with 'but it did.' It's always cool when you can say 'but it did.'

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So we are entering 'hell week' for the show I am in... We move into the theater downtown on Sunday, and then work horrendous hours all week to make sure that we are ready to go by the time we open next Friday, 11/05.

I bring this up because I may not be writing here a lot over the course of the next week and a half to two weeks. Try not to miss me too much. :-)

Coming next time - Entry number Fifty! You won't want to miss it! There may be celebrity guests and everything! (but don't count on it.)

Previously on Ramblin' Bill -- In The Year 2000!

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