Of all the blogs all over the internet, you've clicked onto mine.

A Holiday Laugh Riot!!!

2004-12-17|1103269528

I've found that I have a lot of great ideas for my journal while I am at work, and unable to type them. The problem is, when I get home I either can't remember them, or I can't think of a way to make them funny anymore.

It makes me wonder if I am not as funny later at night...

To try and combat the lack of funniness, I have come up with a great idea that worked well on the old Bob Saget hosted episodes of "America's Funniest Home Videos." (They may still do it on the new retooled Tom Bergeron hosted AFV, but I have never seen it.)

So anyway, my plan... Whenever I say something that I would like you to laugh at, I am going to cut to a picture of people laughing - to remind you to laugh.

The producers and director of that show had to think it made all of the marginally funny things much funnier... If it worked for Hollywood - and Hollywood is NEVER wrong, it will work for me too...

For example:

Did you hear that Osama Bin Laden has resurfaced again with a new tape?

Yeah - apparently in it he claims responsibility for Clay Aiken's new Christmas CD.

See? I think you will agree that made a really lame joke just a little bit funnier.

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When you have a few minutes (after you leave me a comment at the end of the journal) check this story out.

Apparently Caesars Atlantic City Hotel Casino has been fined $80,000 because security guards used the security cameras to zoom in on female's breasts instead of actually making sure no one was cheating.

Now this brings new meaning to 'doubling down,' doesn't it?

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Earlier in this entry, I made a lame joke about Clay Aiken's Christmas CD. I don't want you to go away from this entry thinking that I am not a fan of Christmas.

Christmas is my favorite time of the year. I don't know if it's just that I'm nicer to people, or that everyone else seems a little nicer. Perhaps it's a little of both. (Those of you who work in retail may not agree with me there...)

I also enjoy all of the old holiday cartoons that are on. I love watching "How The Grinch Stole Christmas" (the cartoon - I HATED the movie.), A Charlie Brown Christmas, and the original Frosty the Snowman (Frosty Returns sucks too.)

"Hey Bill, are there any Christmas cartoons that I am not a big as fan of? (for my purposes, I am going to assume you asked me that question.)

Hey, thanks for asking. One that I am not a big fan of would be Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. Why? Because Santa is a bastard in it. Seriously, check it out (It's on CBS on Friday, 12/17 at 8:00p Eastern). He is a giant prick in the cartoon. It bothers me a lot more than it should.

There are still some moments that I like though... Herbie the elf who wants to be a dentist... and the misfit toy that says "Nobody wants to play with a Charlie in the box!"

(See? That last thing was not really even a joke, but I am sure you laughed because you saw other laughing people. Hollywood, you are brilliant!)

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One thing I can't stand about Christmas is the over hyped sentimental shit that we are forced to put up with.

A great example of this has to be the song "The Christmas Shoes." I can't hear this song without getting really annoyed.

There is a whole lot wrong with the song - a kid's mom who is sick and going to die (MERRY CHRISTMAS!), the rude cashier who tells the boy he doesn't have enough money, and the children's chorus there just to try to tug at your heart a little bit more - to name a few

But the part I find MOST annoying is the bridge where the singer guy (I don't remember his name) says:

I knew I'd caught a glimpse of heaven's love
As he thanked me and ran out
I knew that God had sent that little boy
To remind me just what Christmas is all about

FUCK YOU DUDE! Let's say all of this actually happened (I doubt it did.) How egocentric do you have to be to turn this situation into something about yourself?

The little boy was put there to help him have a Merry Christmas, not vice versa. Thank goodness! Now this man can enjoy the holiday!

Sorry...

After hearing this song for about the five-millionth time yesterday, I pulled out one of my favorite chain letters, and edited it to make it seem more Christmas-like.

It's the story of Billy "Smiles" Evans. I am not sure who wrote it, but whoever did, is a genius.

Here it is...

Hello. My name is Billy Evans. I am a very sick little boy.

My mother is typing this for me, because I can't.

Mommy is crying. I am sorry if there are typing mistakes in this, but mommy says it's hard to see and type well with all the tears in her eyes. The reason she is so sad is because I'm very sick. I was born without a body. It doesn't hurt, except when I try to breathe.

The doctors gave me an artificial body. It is a burlap bag filled with leaves. The doctors said that was the best they could do on account of us having no money or insurance.

When mommy asked me what I wanted for Christmas this year, I told her I would like to have a body transplant. Mommy just cried because we are so poor. You see, mommy doesn't work because she said nobody hires crying people. I said, "Don't cry, Mommy," but that just made her cry harder as she hugged my burlap bag. Mommy always gives me hugs. She gives good hugs too. Even though she's allergic to burlap and it makes her sneeze and chafes her real bad.

I hope you will help me. You can help me if you forward this email to everyone you know. Forward it to people you don't know, too.

Dr. Sedding said that for every person you forward this email to, Bill Gates will team up with AOL and send a nickel to NASA. With that funding, NASA will collect prayers from school children all over America and have the astronauts take them up into space so that the angels can hear them better.

Then they will come back to earth and go to the Pope. Then he'll take up a collection in church and send all the money to the doctors. The doctors could help me get better then. Maybe one day I will be able to play baseball. Right now I can only be third base.

Every time you forward this letter, the astronauts can take more prayers to the angels and my dream will be closer to coming true. Please help me. Mommy is so sad and I want a body. I don't want my leaves to rot before I turn 10

If you don't forward this email, that's okay. Mommy says you're a mean and heartless bastard who doesn't care about a poor little boy with only a head. She Says that if you don't stew in the raw pit of your own guilt-ridden stomach, she hopes you die a long slow, horrible death and then burn forever in hell.

What kind of cruel person are you that you can't take five freakin' minutes to forward this to all your friends so that they can feel guilt and shame about ignoring a poor, bodiless nine-year-old boy? Please help me.

I try to be happy, but it's hard. I wish I had a puppy. I wish I could hold a puppy.

Thank You and Merry Christmas,

Billy 'Smiles' Evans
The Boy With Only A Head And A Burlap Bag For A Body

Now THAT is a thing of beauty! It doesn't even need a group of people laughing to show how funny it is.

Previously on Ramblin' Bill -- In The Year 2000!

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