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A Late Night Entry In Which I Whine A Lot

2004-11-14|4:58 a.m.

So the last couple of weeks have been very strange. Some good things, and some bad things...

Each day of the show has been harder and harder for me to deal with. The reason? The ex. I hate to admit it, but seeing her happy has really frustrated me. It makes me jealous and has reminded me of how much fun we had before she gave up on our relationship.

I found a tactic that worked well (for me) until Friday night was ignoring her completely. I was able to be 'me' again with all of the other people in the cast and the crew. (I had been a little distant with everyone the first week of the run because I got wrapped up in feeling bad about her.)

So on Friday night I had a group of friends in the audience. After the show, a couple of them asked if I wanted to go get a drink with them. Since they were nice enough to come see the show, I wanted to get at least one drink with them. Besides, I didn't really want to see the ex at the cast party... So out for drinks we went.

We had a great time - talking, laughing, etc., and we ended up closing down the bar. I am not really a big drinker, but I did have a couple of beers.

While we were out, I got a couple of calls from my cousins. Both of the cousins worked backstage at the show, and they hosted the Friday night cast party. They know all about situation with J (the ex) and I, and wondered if that was why I was not at the cast party. I explained the whole 'friends' thing, but they were not having any of it... They wanted me there.

After talking to them a few times, I felt a little guilty, so at 2:00 in the morning I went over to the party.

(After having a few beers, I probably should not have driven... but I did. I was not drunk - but still... It's not something I normally do, and not something I am proud of doing last night. It's also something that I don't plan to repeat doing anytime soon.)

So I got to the party and had fun with some of the people there. At one point, there were four of us in the kitchen talking. J and I were two of the four.

During the conversation I made a joke about something - I don't remember exactly what it was, but it had something to do with me pretending to confuse two words... J responded by correcting me - telling me what word I should have used (I guess not getting the joke.) I said "I know, I was joking." Her response to this? She said she was leaving and walked out.

I followed her out and tried to figure out what the drama was all about... (I never found out why she walked out...) We talked for a little bit, and the conversation ended with me telling her that as much as I would like to be 'over her,' I wasn't. In spite of her being a bitch for the last month we dated and dumping me in Paris, I still liked her. (How fucking stupid am I?)

The reason - I know she is a better person than that. Christ - I know how lame it sounds when I say it, but I know that it is true.

Basically, all she could say was that it was better that we broke up because I would just end up hating her. (she has said this several times...) I asked her why when she gives a reason for breaking up, she only gives me reasons why it's better for me that we don't date. She eventually said that she broke up because it's what she needed to do.

I hate the fact that I can't get over her... that I can't move on...
She had become my best friend. And then, seemingly overnight, things changed.

Fuck.

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I have not really slept since Thursday night, and even then I only slept about four hours. Whenever I fall asleep, I end up waking up within about a 1/2 hour... Thinking about her. Why do I let this get to me? Does anyone have any tips on how to move on? Good lord, I want to feel better.

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The last night of the show was tonight. Afterwards we had a closing night cast party at a local restaurant, where awards were given out.

One of the traditions is that the director gives certificates out to everyone in the cast. It made me feel great that when the director called my name, I got one of the biggest round of cheers and applause. It's cool to feel appreciated and liked by your peers.

At the party, I avoided J like the plague.

I was really sad when I left the party. I'll really miss seeing some of these people every day.

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After I left the party, I talked to my friend Bob. He invited me out to a bar with him and his girlfriend. Both of them were very cool to me. I drank a coke and we played darts and talked.

It's wonderful to have great friends.

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A fun exchange that ended my Saturday night.

After I left the bar, I drove home. It was about 3:00am. After entering my apartment complex, I was slowed down by a car going less than 5 miles per hour. (The speed limit in the complex is 15 MPH.)

After about 100 yards, the lady driving the car decided to stop and get out. She screamed, "Would you get out my ass?" at the top of her lungs.

Thinking I didn't hear her correctly, I rolled down my window and responded with "Excuse me?" She simply repeated her eloquent phrase "Would you get out my ass?"

Being the extremely witty person I am, I said, "I don't know. Would you drive so I can get to my apartment?" (Yes, I KNOW! Both witty and clever. Obviously, you can't turn wit like that off. Thanks.)

At that point she called me a 'bitch' and got back into her car. She proceeded to drive about 3 miles an hour until I pulled into a parking spot.

I live in the best, classiest apartment complex ever.

Previously on Ramblin' Bill -- In The Year 2000!

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