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Perhaps someday I will tell you more about me in this space. For now, you just have to learn it by reading my freakin' diary. Now get to it!


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Butterfly Sunshine

Annoying Co-Workers and A Trip To The Store

Friday, Mar. 04, 2005|12:13 a.m.

I've had a long running theory that you really shouldn't trust someone who is too nice to you when you first meet him or her.

It's right when you really trust them that they end up saying something like "Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?" and you wake up a few hours later in a bathtub full of ice and your liver has been removed.

Okay, so that's somewhat of an exaggeration. But I have found that most people who are very saccharine sweet are much more interested in making you believe they are nice than they are in actually being nice.

Let me give you an example. I've managed to come down with the same horrible cold that everyone else in my office had a week ago (more about the other people in my office in a second.)

So on my way home from a show tonight I stopped at a grocery store and picked up NyQuil, tissues, and Zycam. My eyes are puffy, my nose is bright red, and I just feel like shit.

The lady behind the counter was perkier than Katie Couric after her third pot of coffee on a Monday morning.

The cashier looked at what I was buying, looked at me as I was blowing my nose and almost giggled as said in a very sing song kind of voice "Hello there, how are you tonight? Did you find everything you were looking for?"

Now a nice person wouldn't have asked me that. A nice person would have been able to see me blowing my nose and also noticed that I was buying stuff that only sick people buy and been able to put two and two together.

I said something about 'hanging in there.' and quickly paid and made my exit. It wasn't until after I left the store that it started to bother me. Perhaps it's just the cold, I am not sure ... but it's bugging the crap outta me now.

So, as I mentioned above, I feel like crap - the germs that several people in the office have been spewing all over the place for the last week BECAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO FUCKING COVER THEIR FUCKING NOSES AND FUCKING MOUTHS WHEN THEY FUCKING SNEEZE AND FUCKING COUGH have managed to find their way to me.

The biggest non-mouth-coverer-offender (yeah, its a real word and it really is hyphenated like that. Look it up if you don't believe me) sits right by me - and manages to do much more than that on a regular basis to annoy the living shit out of me.

This woman has no idea how to shut her mouth. She is constantly talking, but never. EVER. has anything interesting to say. To make matters worse, she has a very shrill, nasal sounding voice.

Just the other day, she had a 15 minute conversation with someone about how it's only really necessary to wash her hair two or three times a week.

Now, I am not the best person to ask about this - I consider myself slightly obsessive compulsive in that I take two showers a day and wash my hair both times... But come on! I wash my hair as many times in a day as she does in an entire week? That's a horrible thought.

She continued talking about not washing her hair for what seemed to be an eternity. At one point she said something along the lines of "Last night I asked my husband to wash my hair, but he didn't want to do it. I ended up breaking down and washing it myself because I've been sweating so much when I sleep lately."

Damn it that is gross. God, please make her shut up now!

"But normally I don't sweat that much when I sleep," she continued, obviously oblivious to my prayer. "I could see washing my hair more if I was out running marathons or something..."

By the way, the only running this lady does is to fill up her coffee cup and get another donut every half hour.

"My hair doesn't need it. It would probably dry out if I washed it more..."

I tried turning up the radio, but I think that only made her talk louder.

"I never wash my hair in the morning, especially during the winter, because then I would go out of the house with a wet head, and I would end up getting more sick or something."

Shut up. Shut Up! SHUT UP!

"But I don't like washing it before bed either, because then it looks funny in the morning and I end up having a bad case of bed head."

Finally, I couldn't take it anymore, so I walked over to her desk and asked, "Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?" She went out pretty quickly.

So, anyone want to buy a liver?

Previously on Ramblin' Bill -- In The Year 2000!


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